Confessions of an anorexic

I'm just writing : it's not me with a disorder as you guys should well know. But the topic came into my head randomly.

I try to keep running, just long enough that it hurts, and then some. I slow down, try to keep my composure, keep on walking, face not betraying the pounding in my chest, my inability to catch my breath.

I have been feeling very in tune with my body over the last few months, sharply aware of its needs and wants. I think I can judge how much I need. I eat only when I am hungry, sleep when I am sleepy. Even small portions of food feel so good, even a quick 2 hour nap. I can feel my body demand sugar, or demand carbohydrates. Eating a full meal still leaves me wanting more : it's okay, there's a difference between wanting and needing. I have never enjoyed eating or sleeping so much.

What I want is control. It's about the ability to tell your body what to do, and not the other way around. There's always paradoxes at work. If you're afraid your life is going to spiral out of control, you'll have one of two reactions : either monitor everything down to the last milimetre, or just relinquish control to some higher power. The same neurological disorder gives rise to two very contrasting individuals, the control freak and the laissez faire bum.

When I feel pain I tell my body to shut up. That's exactly my response. Pain is a warning signal that something is wrong : it serves its job to inform me, and then I do not need it anymore. It becomes an inconvenience when you hurt and there is nothing you can do about it. There is nothing inherently wrong with pain itself - you are not going to be mortally injured or damaged by a cramping pain in your stomach. But you might need to be do something about it, and curling up protectively around it does nothing.

I call bullshit on how runners claim they feel so good after a big workout. It's probably because feeling normal is "good" in comparison to the punishment you're putting yourself through.

There is a dystopian view of the future where there is a culture of affluent people feeling the need to deprive themselves occasionally and pretend they enjoy it. Oh wait, it's already here.