the meaning of it all

I finally got a sleight of hand routine right... starts by pulling a bunch of playing cards out of thin air, letting them flutter to the floor in a cascade of cards, then showing both sides of my palm to the audience (look, no tricks, empty palms, nothing on the back either!) then proceeding to pull a few more cards out of thin air =p

Such satisfaction =) This has pretty good visual impact, and is not too harsh on the angles. Surprisingly, needs strong fingers to pull it off, so I'll have to keep in practice.

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My heart feels fluttery, like there are butterflies in my stomach. I've always associated that feeling with lack of delta sleep.

I'm paraphrasing a friend here. Males should never say stuff like this to females : "Oh let me show you my [insert pointy object here]". Doesn't matter if you actually do have a pointy object you wish to show them, it will invariably be taken the wrong way and result in awkward silences =p (the object in question, was a popsicle, which made it all the worse)

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Would you do something self destructive if it made you happy? That is the question at the core of all addictions. At what price happiness and pleasure, and what criteria determines the difference between a healthy social hobby and an unhealthy addiction? I suppose one is selfish and one isn't : but there are always cases which blur the line.

All emotions are by their nature, relative. Consider a non-addictive mood heightener. It's non addictive, but by its very nature, due to the relativity of emotions, not taking it would result you feeling more down than the norm you are used to.

Would you embrace a religion that delivered happiness every day, but resulted in virtually no change in the actual quality of life you led? Would you take a pill that, had no side effects, except it made you happier for the next 24 hours?

So many people have said "why can't I be happy" without really understanding what happiness is.

I've always taken pleasure in constructive activities. I'm always determined to achieve something or master a skill.

That's why I've never of my own volition watched television or movies. Passive activities, see (what an oxymoron). But instead my favourite hobbies were writing and learning how to code in various computer languages, or painting, or drawing, or playing computer games. There is a sense of achievement, of building on previous experiences and watching your own improvement.

It's the same way you write stories. Every scene has to have meaning : some purpose, for it being there, driving the story forward or driving a point home. There was a section in a novel writing course - how to write effective sex scenes - that particularly emphasized this point. If you're going to write a sex scene, it has to be a pivotal and vital moment in the character development, it has to push the story forward, it has to force your characters to make decisions about themselves. I don't think any of us are in the soft core novel industry where gratitutous and pointless sex scenes are the norm =p

But even so. From my point of view, after I have watched a television show, I get a feeling of "so what? could have done something more useful". But if you judge everything in life so harshly by that criteria, you might as well not do anything at all. My own reasons for playing games - to excel at them and defeat others - are pretty trivial as well in the large scheme of things - though I want to argue, not as trivial as my reasons for watching an episode of Friends (err, for the sheer mindless pleasure of it?)

(OK I did watch Friends but I had fun with the company I watched it with and it was indeed a bonding experience so I am still justified =p But otherwise I would not have watched it alone, no way.)

Maybe I'm too calculative. Remember the "Neverending story" where the boy has the power to make wishes come true, but every time he makes a wish he sacrifices one memory? Taking that view on life is depressing -> you sacrifice time of your life in return for happiness, such a harsh trade (look at it this way : each cigarette you smoke costs you 10 minutes off your life expentancy =p but if that's the case it isn't too bad you know - writing this blog just cost me 30 minutes of my life, omg smoking 3 cigarettes)

I'm determined now that studying and working shall make me happy =p

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(and I go on scrabbling at loose straws and tiny grains of sand, watching them slip through my fingers as I search for the meaning of it all, hoping it's still there when it's all over and done.