don't let go...

I've come to realise a few more things.

Took a long walk home. The rain drenched streets always have a calming effect on me.

The smell of wet pavement.

The sparkle of street lamps, reflections of car lights off the rain slicked aphsalt.

The sharp, fresh wind, clean and unmarred by the city smog, the crystal clarity of the moon and stars. So soon after the rain, so late at night, there is nothing yet to mar the clean night air.

The sound of the wind rustling strongly through the treetops, blowing around me, tugging me this way and that. It rises to a dull roar, cascading down from the sky. But I stand unmoved, alone, in the calm at the eye of the storm.

I was alone. In the truest sense of the word, I realised that what I am now, from my deepest desires to my personality quirks, has been shaped by everything I have experienced before. What I am now is the sum total of my life experiences.

Life is unfair that way.

These words from the HP series come unbidden into my mind : It's not what you are, it's who you choose to be. I want to believe them, but it's all a matter of perspective : no two people will react to the same event the same way : and whether you choose option A or option B it would have been done with the knowledge that either you're seeking to repeat the same experience from the past, or avoid it. It's like the paradox of free will : from some perspectives, all our choices were already forced and preordained before we were born.

I don't want my life to repeat itself : yet I want the security of the things I had before.

I don't want the sad events to repeat themselves but I want see the happy ones again. But sometimes they are part of the same thing.